Faithfully Frazzled

Reflecting on the twists and turns of the last 50 years, I realized that this journey has been largely fueled by the desire to find the next great thing that’s gonna fix me. Materially, emotionally, spiritually even…. So many years chasing the next dopamine rush and, oh. My. Lord. I’m tired. Every single morning I wake up thinking today’s the day I’m gonna figure it all out. I’m gonna be so productive and not chronically ill! I’m gonna pray three times a day and not doom scroll on my phone! And then reality hits. Living is hard for me. I’m the embodiment of ‘the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak’. Heavy sigh.

The one saving grace though is that, at my core, there’s this tesseract of sorts that houses my faith in Christ. It’s the Fort Knox of my soul. I have doubts – always have….what if it’s all baloney and there’s nothing after death? What if I’ve been completely delusional my entire life? What if there’s really no point in trying to be a good, moral person? Furthermore! Why do I never feel like I’ve measured up to “good Christian” standards? The desire to be good, do good is an engine that powers on, pushing me to be better, to evolve, to fully self actualize. That term makes me Lolololol 🤣 As soon as I learned about self/actualization during my first and only year at junior college I knew in my belly the concept was hooey, but I was inexorably drawn to it. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs I can barely rise above the foundational level of physiological needs. I married an incredibly, well, for lack of a better word, functional man. A do-er. A git-r-done-r. I, myself, am a ponder-er, a space cadet, a feeler. I’m a sponge for the world around me. I’m perpetually absorbing and being consumed by the beauty and chaos that is life. To be clear, I don’t wanna be this way. I’d love to function like my superhero husband. I see his indefatigable motor that keeps him going like The Little Engine That Could, and I’m equal parts in awe and exhausted just being a spectator. I’m so glad we’ve got opposite skills but I admit I’d give mine up in an instant to magically be a more productive member of society. Through this wibbly wobbly faith-journey I’m on, believe it or not, I can still see the Divine’s hand in all of this. It feels good to admit that I’m not at peace with myself but I’m pretty sure there’s a purpose behind all the struggle. Even as the world around me burns I find peace in the steadiness and structure of the Orthodox Church. There’s no way of knowing what lies beyond but, for now I choose to believe in and follow the example of Christ and his saints. Their love and care for humanity is something I can attain to. Even with my failing body that core of faith keeps me tenuously holding onto the idea that my life has purpose beyond productivity.

Venting feels good. Thanks, interweb void for being there for me.