Faithfully Frazzled

Anyone who knows me even a little knows that I value a good sense of humor. I think it’s an essential element of a fully evolved human living in this chaotic world. We take serious things to heart and make light of the less serious – that’s just human nature. We acknowledge certain seasons of life as existing for certain reasons; grieving, joy, quiet contemplation. Because of chronic illness infesting every aspect of my life I’ve begun to see some of my natural joy and good-nature being slowly stripped away. It’s an inevitability in some ways – yet another season of life that comes with no instruction manual and so I find myself struggling to accept my new reality. When I’m out and about in public I usually try to maintain a healthy good humor and people often say to me, ‘I know you’ve got a lot of illnesses but you always look so happy and healthy! How?’. I usually quip that it’s smoke and mirrors or a healthy dollop of blush and tinted lip balm but the truth is much harder to express. My outward happiness comes with a price. When I can muster up the wherewithal to make it to an activity, usually church-related these days, it takes every ounce of my fortitude to make it through. By the time I get home I’m a crumpled shell of myself and it takes days sometimes to recover.

Now to the heart of the matter…. I get asked quite frequently how I’m doing, what the prognosis is, when I’ll get to feeling better. The answer is bleak and it’s not one people are willing to take lying down. The answer is this, plain and simple: I’m in pain every moment and it may never get better. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Because of my joking nature people often think I’m just kidding around when I say that I’m a 50 year old with the body of a 70-80 year old. For the record….I AM NOT KIDDING. For comparison, the things that my mom was dealing with in her 80’s are what I’m being treated for now. This is sobering and the farthest thing from a joke you can imagine. It’s sad and it’s the thief of my natural joy but it has not, nor will it ever consume me. I can’t explain why. Maybe it’s hope. Maybe it’s the joy of the Lord. I don’t know and I don’t try to question why or how long, O Lord, or even, when’s the other shoe going to fall? I just try to keep moving forward in the knowledge that alongside the pain and sickness there exists beauty and love in abundance. There are so many people in near and far-flung corners of the world who experience greater suffering than I’ll ever know and I wish for them to know an ounce of the blessings I experience on a daily basis. It keeps me going – keeps my chins up, as it were. 😉 My daily existence is not always fun but I’m thankful for it all – the joy and the pain.