Faithfully Frazzled

OK, so I can’t believe I’m about to say this but… wait for ittttt… I feel pretty darn good! 😱😬🫣😳 Why would I be scared to say that out loud, you ask? Well, as someone who’s lived most of their life under a cloud of self-doubt and depression I’m not entirely sure I know what I’m talking about! Seriously! I promise this post will have a feel-good message but permit me a few paragraphs of exposition and explanation.

For the past month and a half I have felt very unsteady on my feet. One might assume that it’s due to the second hip replacement surgery I just underwent or some such physical reason but what I speak of is metaphorical instability. Since completing thirty-six treatments of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation earlier in December I have experienced a mental lightness I haven’t known, well, ever. I naturally tend toward the introspective and introverted so I am no stranger to being constantly aware of my mental state. Over the past say, twenty years, since having children I’ve tried to be ever vigilant against drowning in my feelings so as to maintain some semblance of decorum around my children but it has been a Herculean effort. Thankfully, God has blessed me with a natural ability to find joy and humor in quotidian moments so all was not entirely bleak and depressing. All in all, I have found a fairly balanced way to live as a mother with PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, and depression. It, by no means, looks like the Good Housekeeping version of happy home life but my children were fiercely loved, adequately clothed and fed, and taught good from evil.

To be frank, having said everything as I just have – in writing, no less – with no facetiousness is actually blowing my mind right now. Most of my adult life I have felt like an utter failure. A sorry excuse for a 20th century woman. I have constantly held myself to some unspoken standard that I set simply by virtue of the fact that I was not achieving. My husband, on the other hand, is a dynamo. Energizer Bunny levels of energy and can-do-it-ness. I am a potato. I do not multitask. My brain likes to think ALL the thoughts at once and in no particular order. Executive functioning skills were not handed out the day I was born. My home life can best be summed up as existing on “a broken wing and a hastily said prayer”. I feel simultaneously blessed and cursed to have been able to be a stay-at-home-mom all these years.

Lately, I must confess that, while I do not have my life figured out I’ve felt a real sense of peace about the future. Whereas before TMS, I would’ve found myself silently mumbling my oft-repeated mantra, “what a waste of space you are”, I’ve found myself reveling in the unspeakable beauty around me. I’m much more aware now of life’s simple blessings than ever before. The gorgeous mundaneness of it all. In all honesty, I’m ANGRY ABOUT IT! IS THIS HOW NORMAL PEOPLE FEEL ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS?!?! NO. FAIR!! I’ve been so down and miserable for years and all you normies were walking around thinking thoughts like, Gee, the world’s not such a bad place?! [envisage here the normies of the world walking around, not a care in the world] Aaaargh!!! (For those who don’t get sarcasm, please insert some here.) Obviously I’m not really mad….well, maybe just a little. 😉

I’m thankful that I get to begin a new year in a few days with this new perspective. This past year I got two new hips, a new diagnosis of POTS with meds to keep my heart rate stable, and a new outlook on life thanks to TMS. For now, I will focus on not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I will embrace my new normal of being thankful for the simple gifts around me. I will keep exploring what God wants me to do with this crazy life He’s given me. Things I will not do: try to set a plan of attack for the year ahead. God, in His wisdom has seen fit to gift me a newfound sense of awe and peace and I will not squander it by setting unrealistic standards on myself. Tomorrow, too, is a gift.